.Friday, September 19, 2008 ' 9:36 PM♥.
Hey guys,
I'm blogging again!! I think that this post is gonna be quite a messy one 'cos i've got alot of feelings that I need to blog about! I'm not sure where to start but don't worry I won't be explicit about it :).
I've agreed. Well for sure agreed with Carolyn that I've learnt a whole lot of things throughout this entire week. And I must admit that during this entire week God has put forth alot of obstacles for all of us! Carolyn, me and Sophia. We knew that obstacles were bound to come rolling towards us and there are 2 choices that we can make. One is to run away from it and the second is to face it bravely together. No matter what happens, I'm always going to be choosing the second option. Therefore the obstacles have past, and what I've acquired from it is in fact quite a fair bit of lessons.
I would have to voice out that during the course of the week or rather the later end of the week I was hurt by the most unexpected person around. I really didn't expect that person to hurt my feelings at all.. I know that I'm rather sensitive and I'm certain that I wouldn't go up to her and say 'Hey, did you know that what you did during this this actually hurt me?'. Furthermore, I'm supposed to be the 'so-called' good friend that won't have sudden outbursts and won't have sudden mood swings.But i'm not perfect and ultimately throughout this week I learnt that even more. I know that perhaps I'm supposed to understand the situation you're in now but it's just painful.. And it's hard to voice out. I'm pretty alright with it now but kinda just thinking of it makes me feel like... feel like shit. I actually know what you think of me sometimes. Most of the times friends just don't say somethings to try and make you feel better/ don't want to hurt you. But actions speak louder than words and I ultimately know that perhaps I'm pulling you back from achieving far better results.. Okay nevermind, I don't know what I'm talking about anymore and I better stop lest I expose the truth. I will not tell anyone about this, I will be taking this secret down to my grave. It's not worth telling, commenting on. I should let it pass, friendship should be stronger than my measely sensitive feelings.
As mentioned earlier, I realized that I'm far from perfect. I was in a relatively bad mood in school today largely attributed to the fact that I feel like I haven't been accomplishing enough academic wise and therefore is prone to thinking negative thoughts ending in a rather bad mood. Math was the worst, I really detest math lesson. I feel like I'm being suffocated in the class. I'm really glad this isn't my form class.I"m glad for my friends in the class but I really feel that the students should be far less childish. I wish that people would really learn to grow up.
To be honest, I find my class being rather childish sometimes. Seeing how people compete over the stupidest things, seeing how people can treat the A levels as a play toy and seeing how people can be so insenstive at times ultimately amount to childishness. What are they doing all of this for? There is NO specific reason why there is a need to do all this. Sometimes, I don't understand how things are. I for sure have my own flaws. Sensitivity, lack of confidence, rather lazy. I know all of this myself and am trying desperately to get rid of all this. Yet do they know? Do these people who are committing all these mistakes know? Maybe only 20 years down the road will they wake up to the realization that life is so much more than themselves and life is more important/precious that they thought it was. Once again, i might be spouting nonsense all over again.
I harbor evil thoughts sometimes. I get jealous. I'm so touchy in terms of emotions that any wrong word/thoughts from other people will pierce through the heart of mine for the entire day. All this happened to me throughout the past week.. All these feelings had re-surfaced. I'm trying to throw them away now because the entire week is over, but sometimes its so difficult when people DO THE THING THEY DO! Why do I harbor evil thoughts? Because people do evil things. Why do I get jealous? Because some people work far less harder than me and achieve better grades + refuse to backdown with their 'extreme' actions. Why do I get touchy with emotions? perhaps this is something that I can control better myself. Yet ultimately if you don't hurt me, will i get touchy? ( but ultimately this is not very important as I never show that I'm disapppointed with someone's actions..).
This is a rather thoughtful piece, not really emo. I better get back to my academics and perhaps attempt to start up my exercise regime tommorrow again.
Perhaps tmrw will be a better day and Karmy will stop being so lazy.
Don't think I don't know, i know more than you do.
YYY
More Clothes!
Him!<33