.Saturday, September 13, 2008 ' 10:21 PM♥.
This is going to be a rather emo post, which is quite contradictory since i just stood up in my last post.
I wish i could tell people how I'm feeling now. I'd like to make this VERY CLEAR that this post is not in association with my prelim results. I've gotten over that, turned that sadness into encouragement, turned that disappointment into a drive to want to do better.
But the feelings that I have now, how do i transform it into something that would help me?
I hear sarcarstic remarks and mutual insults between the two grown adults seated in front of me during dinner time. My saturday dinner.. The only time that i get to rest is flooded with these remarks. My brother is no longer there to save the day and all I can do is just silently stare and stone, i refuse to involve myself in such matters.
At the same time, I'm sensitive by nature and as much as you don't know, insenstive remarks stick by me no matter what happens. 10 years down the road you can laugh about it, but it still stays. I wish to forget, but my mind refuses to let it go. I still remember the apple juice incident from 9 years ago that you might have clean forgotten. I have forgiven you, but the memory refuses to leave. Therefore, you might want to know that University applications are already giving me a hell of a headache.
I requested and told you I didn't want to apply to the University that my brother resided or the universities in my brother's area because of 2 simple reasons.
1. The school that my brother is in does not have ANY COURSE that i want to study. You forcing me to go to my brother's school is like forcing me to take courses like computer engineering, architecture, acting. blah. do you think that i can actually make it in these? And for some stupid reason the school says that for me to apply to business administration i require PHYSICS. So i can't apply to that stupid course. What does that leave me with? Things like history, psychology, literature. Things which if studied won't do me ANY HELP in life unless i want to be a teacher or something else which is currently NOT on the jobs i want to take up.
2. The other school in the region that my brother is in requires me to take a TOEFL. In otherwords, it's an english test. AND I FIND IT REALLY STUPID know why? because apparently 'cos Singapore has many official languages either than english i have to take the TOEFL 'cos they don't know which one's my official language? SINGAPORE HAS MANY OFFICIAL LANGUAGES? THAT'S A NEW ONE. And currently i'm too busy signing up for things like SATs to even BOTHER about another test called the TOEFL. If you really want me to go and take the TOEFl, I can say goodbye to my A levels.
Furthermore, they don't have a course that i want either. SO WHY ARE YOU FORCING ME TO GO THERE?
Fine, if you ask me to choose between the 2 and Singapore.( let's say if i'm so smart that i'm admitted into all). I'd rather STAY HERE. 'cos at least HERE i still have friends, THERE i have none. And HERE I HAVE FRIENDS AND I'LL BE DOING A COURSE I DON'T LIKE. BUT THERE I'LL BE DOING A COURSE I DONT LIKE AND WILL BE HAVING NO FRIENDS.
Therefore i've concluded, i'm just going to apply to Singapore universities when my grades come out and if i'm accepted ( IF) then i'll just stay here, i hate the continuous talk about how i should study where my brother is studying 'cos EVERYONE SAID SO and money isses 'cos education is expensive as seen from my brother's fees. If that's the case, then don't pay for me.. If i can't make into a Singapore uni then fine i'll work or go to some mini course or something. I never insisted on going overseas ( you insisted it), i chose what I liked but you wanted me to BE MY BROTHER'S SHADOW. I'll never be an arhitect or a shining star, I am MYSELF and i was born to be like this. If you want me to BE MY BROTHER'S SHADOW then you shouldn't have conceived me in the first place, I'd rather not be born.
I'm feeling like shit right now, my university applications are screwed up, my prelim results were kinda screwed up. I don't even know where to apply anymore. And i don't wanna message any of my friends 'cos I'll be disturbing them.I'm lost i have no where to turn to. Piles of work on my table, SATs to handle, university applications to take care of.
I can't stand it anymore in order to not bother my friends. On Monday i'm going to look for my form teacher and as harsh and insenstive as she may seem, that's what I might really need now. Someone to shout at me in the face and point me in the direction I should go to.
I can no longer take this anymore.
YYY
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